Buzz Jordan Saves The Galaxy

Posted: September 13, 2012 in Flash

It’s hard to write a space opera parody in flash fiction, to save the girl, the lives of your space ship’s crew and the galaxy, all in less than 1000-words.  Originally published in the Aphelion-Webzine November 2011 Flash Challenge.

WARNING: Mild naughtiness and lots of innuendo.

 —–

“Cortez, report!”

Buzz Jordan, Earthfleet captain, sat slumped in his command chair. The lifeless bodies of crew members littered the bridge. The air was heavy with the smell of fried electronics and burnt flesh. Lieutenant Alejandra Cortez sweapt errant mahogany tresses behind her exquisite ear and worked feverishly at the control console.

“Lieutenant! Report!” Jordan barked.

“They’re dead, Buzz.”

“By Einstein’s tongue, woman! You’re not making any sense.”

“Earthfleet is gone, Mordac’s cyborg Chi-fighters have destroyed all our ships. Weapon systems are offline, our core is going critical and life support is failing.”

“Don’t bore me with clichés, give me something I can use.”

“Hello, anyone there?” The English West-Country accent of BUG-B, the ship’s translator-bot crackled over the intercom.

Jordan stabbed the comm button on his command chair. “BUG-B, where the hell are you?”

“Down in engineering, where you told me to go.”

“Can you get the engines back online?”

“Well, no. I’m a translator-bot. You want the stubby white-blue maintenance-bots for fixing stuff.”

“There must be something you can do!” Alejandra said.

“Alright. I’ll give it a go. Let me just try… Hang on.”

A resounding clang echoed throughout the ship. The helm station in front of Cortez lit up, indicators changing from red to amber to green.

“You’re a genius, BUG-B,” Alejandra said. ”What did you do?”

“Just gave it a good whack.”

“Set a collision course, Lieutenant. Straight for Mordac’s death-cruiser.”

“That’s a little obvious, isn’t it?”

“By Hawking’s Wheelchair, follow my orders, Lieutenant!”

***

“A collision course with my death-cruiser, a little obvious was it not?” Mordac’s deep baritone mocked Jordan from deep within his dark gimp-mask-like visor.

Jordan, naked to the waist, struggled in vain against his bonds, his rippling, tanned muscles glistened with the sweat of his exertion. He was strapped to the side of a K-OS bomb, suspended over hanger bay doors. Cortez and BUG-B were similarly bound beside him.

“Why was it necessary to strip me and put me in a leather bikini?” Alejandra asked.

“Count yourself lucky, I’m naked.” BUG-B said.

“You’re a bot, you’re always naked.”

“You’ll never get away with this, Mordac!” Buzz shouted, trying to regain control of the wandering dialogue.

“I already have!”

Mordac’s insane laughter filled the hanger as the bay doors slid open beneath the K-OS bomb. Only a semi-permeable force field separated the last remaining Earthfleet crew from the fusion inferno that was the star of the Sado planetary system.

“Don’t worry, the bomb’s force shield will protect you,” Mordac cackled. “You will have time to enjoy the view before it destroys this star and all the planets in its system”

“Father, stop!”

“By Newton’s fig, it’s Ambassador Zoltrixie!” Jordan boggled at the green skinned amazon, barely clad in a tight rubber leotard and ridiculously high heeled thigh boots who had just entered the hanger bay.

“I thought she had been kidnapped by Mordac’s henchmen,” BUG-B said.

“Obviously, she has been a double agent the entire time, leaking Earthfleet’s plans to her father,” Alejandra replied.

“When you’ve quite finished your exposition,” Mordac said. “It’s time for Buzz Jordan to die!”

The sound of a laser pistol’s sharp report split the air.

“Daughter, what have you done?” Mordac clasped a gloved fist to the smoking hole drilled through his torso by Zoltrixie’s laser gun.

“Where did she pull that from?” BUG-B asked. “I mean, that rubber leotard doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. There should‘ve been a bulge.”

“I’m sorry, Daddy!” Zoltrixie said. “I can’t let you murder the father of my unborn child.”

“I’m going to be a grandpa?”

Mordac tumbled forward, his body slipped through the semi-permeable force field and plummeted towards the star below, turning to incandescent plasma as it fell.

 ***

 “You know, I always thought you were the love interest,” BUG-B said. Lieutenant Cortez and the droid sat together at the back of the immense cathedral as Ambassador Zoltrixie and Captain Buzz Jordan spoke their wedding vows, cementing the Earth-Sado treaty and bringing peace to the war-torn galaxy.

“Goddess, no. I’m a lesbian. Anyway, why have you got that ridiculous English West-Country accent?”

“It’s very fashionable in cybernetics. Besides, all the campy gold translator-bots were out of stock. Not much point being a translator-bot anyway, Everywhere you go, aliens speak perfectly good English.”

“Did anyone tell Buzz that on the planet Sado males out number females by thousands, and that their society has developed into a matriarchy ruled by vicious dominatrices who demand slavish devotion from their huge male harems?” Alejandra asked.

“Dominatrices?”

“Plural of dominatrix.”

“No, I don’t think he knows.” BUG-B said.

“Mordac was actually a freedom fighter trying to break their tyrannical rule.”

“A bit late to be telling me now.”

“Did anyone tell Buzz that in the Sado reproduction system, once the embryo is fertilised inside the female, she will then forcibly implant it far into the male’s digestive tract to gestate.?”

“Pretty sure that hasn’t been mentioned.”

Up at the alter, despite his spirited resistance, Buzz was being stripped and bound again. Male slaves bent and tied him across the huge alter stone, legs spread. Behind him, Zoltrixie bared her well-defined, green abdomen, a tentacle pseudo-pod emerged from her navel, slimy with mucus.

“Interesting fact.” Alejandre said. “Women from the planet Sado often visited Earth during the late twentieth century, before we discovered space travel. Some kind of sexual tourism for them. They would kidnap clueless hicks from the American mid-west, have their tentacle way with them and then brain-wipe them.”

Up at the alter, Zoltrixie stepped forward, her pseudo pod probed tentatively between Buzz’s taught buttocks. Buzz’s screams, even through the ball gag, echoed loudly around the cathedral.

“That explains a lot,” BUG-B said.

“Yes, alien abduction, anal probing and tentacle rape hentai. We have a lot to thank them for.”

The End

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Comments
  1. pahosler says:

    Thank you! I’m so glad I was finished drinking my coffee when I read this, my keyboard isn’t water proof! p.s. shared this on FB

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